Paul Ryan Quickly Runs Tweet About Texas Shooting Past Wayne LaPierre Before Posting

WASHINGTON—In an effort to avoid a potentially disrespectful or insensitive response, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly quickly ran a tweet about the Texas mass shooting past Wayne LaPierre before posting the message, sources confirmed Monday. “Wayne, I understand that this is a delicate situation so I wanted to…

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White House Announces Obamacare Exchange Now Only Accessible From Single Kiosk In Remote Iowa Cornfield

WASHINGTON—Stating that the new system is pursuant with the regulations laid out by the Affordable Care Act, the White House announced Friday that the government’s health insurance exchanges would now only be accessible from a single kiosk in a remote Iowa cornfield. “All Americans wishing to sign up for health…

Man Resolves To Read The Wikipedia Tabs He Already Has Open Before Starting New Ones

HILLSBORO, TX—Stopping mid-click and forcing himself to finish the entry for Motown, local man Keith Hayes resolved on Friday to get through the six Wikipedia tabs he already had open in his browser before starting any new ones. “No, no, no. I can’t just keep firing up new tabs whenever something in the text seems…

DNC Unveils Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform In Response To Corruption Allegations

WASHINGTON—Saying that the new organization would be aimed at upholding the political party’s standard of conduct and ideals, the Democratic National Committee unveiled Thursday the Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform in response to recent allegations of election rigging during the 2016 primary. “The DNC is…