FCC Chair Unveils Premium Comment Line To Fast-Track Net Neutrality Complaints For $49.99 Per Month

WASHINGTON—Following backlash over the agency’s plan to scrap rules ensuring that service providers treat all internet data the same, FCC Chair Ajit Pai unveiled on Monday a premium comment line to fast-track net neutrality complaints, which may be purchased for $49.99 per month. “We hear everyone’s concerns loud and…

Couple On Verge Of Breaking Up Has Mind-Blowing Aquarium Visit

CHICAGO—Startled at how their festering resentment all but vanished, local couple Steve Ewer and Heather Larson, who sources said were on the verge of breaking up Thursday, had a mind-blowing visit to Shedd Aquarium. “It’s seemed for a while now like any day we were going to reach our breaking point, but then we got…

‘Football Saved My Life,’ Says Man Who Will Be Left Paralyzed By Sport

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Claiming that his participation in the sport steered him away from the poor choices he had been making as a child, local junior college linebacker Steven Colner, who will be left paralyzed by the sport in a year, told reporters Thursday that football “saved [his] life.” “Football made me the person I…

Man With 3 Kids Going To Make Great Father Someday

SEARCY, AK—Saying they could just tell he’d be up to the task when he was ready, sources told reporters Monday that their friend Gary Katsopolis, who currently has three children, was going to make a great father someday. “Even though he may not be right for it this second, Gary’s got so many great qualities that, in…

Negligent Oaf Sloppily Packs Away Board Game Without So Much As A Thought To Future Players

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—Folding the board to funnel a jumbled mess of cards and pieces into the game box, negligent oaf Patrick Flavell reportedly packed away a Monopoly set on Thursday without so much as a thought for future players. “Man, I can’t remember the last time I sat down and played this,” said the mindless slob as…

Flynn Pleads Guilty To Lying To FBI, But, Worst Of All, Lying To Himself

WASHINGTON—Testifying to a judge that he was prepared to take full responsibility for his egregious actions, former National Security advisor Michael Flynn pleaded guilty Friday to lying to the FBI, but, worst of all, lying to himself. “I am prepared to admit that I lied to FBI officials about my contact with Russian…

‘Sometimes It Feels Like You’re The Only One Who Understands Me,’ Whispers Trump To White House Roach Infestation

WASHINGTON—Saying that its presence had been a valuable source of comfort at a difficult time, President Trump reportedly told the White House cockroach infestation on Friday that it alone truly understood him. “Things are so tough right now, and it’s nice to know someone out there has so much in common with me,…

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