‘Football Saved My Life,’ Says Man Who Will Be Left Paralyzed By Sport

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Claiming that his participation in the sport steered him away from the poor choices he had been making as a child, local junior college linebacker Steven Colner, who will be left paralyzed by the sport in a year, told reporters Thursday that football “saved [his] life.” “Football made me the person I…

Negligent Oaf Sloppily Packs Away Board Game Without So Much As A Thought To Future Players

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—Folding the board to funnel a jumbled mess of cards and pieces into the game box, negligent oaf Patrick Flavell reportedly packed away a Monopoly set on Thursday without so much as a thought for future players. “Man, I can’t remember the last time I sat down and played this,” said the mindless slob as…

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‘Sometimes It Feels Like You’re The Only One Who Understands Me,’ Whispers Trump To White House Roach Infestation

WASHINGTON—Saying that its presence had been a valuable source of comfort at a difficult time, President Trump reportedly told the White House cockroach infestation on Friday that it alone truly understood him. “Things are so tough right now, and it’s nice to know someone out there has so much in common with me,…