Patagonia Introduces New High-Performance Jacket Specially Designed To Protect Wearer On Walk Between Front Door And Car

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the most effective outerwear on the market for short-term exposure to the elements, outdoor clothing company Patagonia on Wednesday introduced its new high-performance jacket specially designed for walking between the front door and car. “With ultra-lightweight fabric and a center-front zipper…

New RNC Ad Endorses Roy Moore: ‘He’s A Scumbag, But He’s Our Scumbag’

WASHINGTON—Recognizing that he’s a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to walk the face of the earth yet was still on the right side of party lines, the Republican National Committee released their new “He’s A Scumbag, But He’s Our Scumbag” ad Tuesday to endorse Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. “He’s a horrendous…

‘I’ll Have To Obstruct One Last Thing,’ Whispers Jared Kushner Before Wrapping Gloved Hands Around Mueller’s Neck

WASHINGTON—Appearing to have become unhinged during recent questioning, White House Senior Advisor Jared Kushner reportedly whispered Tuesday, “I’ll have to obstruct one last thing,” before wrapping his gloved hands around special counsel Robert Mueller’s neck. “You want to talk about my security clearance? This is my…

Browns Encourage Dissatisfied Fans To At Least Stick It Out Until End Of Season 

CLEVELAND—Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam urged unhappy fans Tuesday to continue to support the team through at least the end of the season. “I know this has been unenjoyable, but back in the summer you guys made a commitment,” said Haslam, adding that if Browns fans really wanted to give up after the season was…

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