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Nation Dutifully Gets In Cars, Stands In Line, Watches New Star Wars Movie

WASHINGTON—The film’s official release having finally arrived, millions of Americans across the nation dutifully got in their cars Friday, stood in line, and watched the new Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi. “The latest installment in the Star Wars franchise is now in theaters, which is why I went to my local cinema,…

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Eric Trump Hooks Donald Jr. Up To Xbox, iPad, Roomba To Practice Passing Polygraph Test

WASHINGTON—Instructing him to hold still while he connected the various wires, sources confirmed Thursday that Eric Trump hooked his older brother Donald Jr. up to an Xbox, iPad, and Roomba in order to practice passing a polygraph test. “We gotta do this a bunch of times because the machine can use your heartbeats to…

Bob Iger Offers Rupert Murdoch One Night With Mickey Mouse In Exchange For 21st Century Fox

BURBANK, CA—Revealing that it was the provision that essentially sealed the multi-billion dollar deal, sources reported Thursday that Disney Company CEO Bob Iger offered Rupert Murdoch one night with Mickey Mouse in exchange for 21st Century Fox. “To help sweeten our $52.4 billion proposal, we offered Mr. Murdoch…