10-Pack Of Swiss Miss Bracing Itself To Shoulder Burden Of Holding Together Man’s Depressing Holiday Alone

YPSILANTI, MI—Preparing to bear the brunt of the lonely winter vacation, a 10-pack of Swiss Miss hot chocolate was reportedly bracing itself Monday to shoulder the burden of holding together local man Josh Hesford’s depressing holiday alone. “Okay, it’s just me and him for the holidays, but don’t worry, you got this,”…

Man Worried New ‘Jumanji’ Movie Going To Ruin Memory Of Mediocre Afternoon In 1995

BUTTE, MT—Concerned the remake would sully his recollection of a perfectly all-right moment from his childhood, local man Ian Cox was worried Tuesday that the new Jumanji movie was going to ruin his memory of a mediocre afternoon in 1995. “When this movie comes out, I’m scared that all of those unexceptional memories…

Area Man Remembers Less Politically Correct Time When Christmas Was About Honoring The Glory Of Saturn

HOLLISTER, CA—Longing for the days when people understood the true meaning of the holiday, area man Steve Rocha told reporters Monday that he remembers a less politically correct time when Christmas was about honoring the glory of Saturn. “It was the one time a year when families would gather round the altar and…

Robert Mueller Ascends Into Sky With Umbrella After Trump Family Promises They Learned Lesson About Honesty 

WASHINGTON—Saying that each of them would always have a place in his heart, special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ascended into the sky with an umbrella Monday after the Trump family promised they had learned their lesson about honesty. “And now, my dear friends, it is time for me to leave you,” said Mueller,…

Advertisement