Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife

NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…

It’s A Sad State Of Affairs When We Can’t Even Refer To Every Holiday As Christmas

I’ve had it up to here with people trying to censor our nation’s most sacred traditions. In the name of so-called “inclusivity,” they go tearing up what remains of our Christian roots, making regular, everyday Americans like me feel like outcasts. It’s time for this sacrilege in our public lives to stop. Lately, it’s…

Paul Ryan Confident American People Will Warm Up To Tax Plan Once They Realize Life A Cruel And Meaningless Farce

WASHINGTON—Saying the current disapproval would soon give way to support, House Speaker Paul Ryan was confident Thursday that the American people will warm up to the new tax plan once they realize life is a cruel and meaningless farce. “Although it may not be very popular now, I’m certain that Americans will come…

Man Wondering When ‘Ocean's 8’ Trailer Going To Show Film’s Protagonist

VALDOSTA, GA—Growing increasingly frustrated as he watched the clips on his laptop, local man Terry Waskin on Thursday was reportedly wondering when the Ocean’s 8 trailer was going to show the film’s protagonist. “So far I see Sandra Bullock and the woman from Lord of the Rings, but who plays the main character?” said…

Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class

WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the…