Yoga Teacher Has Way Too Much On Plate To Fuck Any More Students Right Now

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Using a towel to quickly wipe the sweat off his mat as the next class filed in, local yoga teacher Toby Castor told reporters Monday that he has way too much on his plate to fuck any more students right now. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good problem to have, but I’m completely tapped out from banging so…

Minneapolis Shocked To Discover Thousands Of Super Bowl Attendees Left Without Seeing Rest Of City

MINNEAPOLIS— Perplexed by the utter absence of thronging tourists throughout places of interest, Minneapolis residents reported feelings of shock and dismay Monday upon discovering that thousands of Super Bowl attendees had simply left the Twin Cities immediately after the game without experiencing the rich culture…

Flustered Father Struggling To Answer All Of Son’s Questions About What Catch Is

ALBANY, NY—Feeling completely unprepared for such a difficult conversation, local father Michael Dorgan was reportedly struggling Monday to answer all his son’s questions about what a catch is. “God, this so awkward, he was watching the Super Bowl last night, and now he has so many questions and I can’t describe how…

‘Well That’s Nice,’ Say Calm, Pleased Eagles Fans After Super Bowl Victory

PHILADELPHIA—Happily nodding their heads and shaking hands with each other in congratulations, thousands of pleased but calm Philadelphia residents reportedly said, “Well that’s nice,” Sunday after the Eagles’ Super Bowl victory over the Patriots. “This sure is swell. Both teams played a good game, but I’m glad we…

Eagles Fan Admits U.S. Bank Stadium Has Nicest Seats He’s Puked On

MINNEAPOLIS—Claiming the quality of the facilities had exceeded his expectations, Eagles fan Wes Fernley admitted Sunday that U.S. Bank Stadium had the nicest seats he has ever thrown up on. “I’ve been to some great stadiums in the past few years, but puking here was a really amazing experience,” said Fernley, who…

Friend Hosting Super Bowl Party Confirms There Still Plenty Of Room On Floor

ROCHESTER, NY—Allaying his friend’s concerns over the amount of space available to watch the game, local man Bryan Rogers confirmed Sunday that his Super Bowl party still has plenty of room on the floor. “You should definitely still come over, man, there’s a ton of places left to sit on the rug,” said Rogers, assuring…

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