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‘It’s Step, Twist, Step, Dammit!’ Yells Leotard-Wearing, Cigarette-Smoking John Kelly While Choreographing Upcoming Military Parade

WASHINGTON—Wearing a leotard and chain-smoking as he pounded out the measures with his cane, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly screamed, “It’s step, twist, step, dammit!” at a group of Marines on Wednesday as they learned the choreography for President Trump’s upcoming military parade. “Jesus Christ, how many…

Trump Boys Forge Father’s Signature On Letters They Wrote Excusing Them From Any More Testifying

WASHINGTON—Hastily scrawling with crayons and markers, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump were reportedly forging their father’s signature Wednesday on letters they had written excusing them from any further testifying as part of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into their family’s role in potential Russian…

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Determined Circle Of Friends Diligently Traces Back How They Got Onto This Conversation Topic

SAN JOSE, CA—Upon suddenly realizing none of them knew the origin of the current conversational subject, a determined circle of friends on Tuesday diligently traced back how their discourse arrived at the topic. “I remember we were talking about Ed Harris and how he’s in The Truman Show, but how did Connecticut come…