Leonardo DiCaprio Nervous About Telling New Girlfriend He A Virgin

LOS ANGELES—Fearing that such a revelation might derail an otherwise promising relationship, actor Leonardo DiCaprio reported feeling nervous Tuesday about the inevitable moment when he would have to tell his new girlfriend that he is still a virgin. “I hope she doesn’t look at me differently when she finds out I’ve…

People Called Me Crazy When I Said We Were Going To Sell The Common Chicken As Food, But Who’s Laughing Now

Most innovators are mocked in their own time. Doubters and naysayers always do their best to stifle bold thinking, though in my case, I refused to let the negative voices get to me. I knew I’d live to see the day when my greatest idea would be vindicated, and that’s exactly what happened. They laughed me off as a…

Teacher In Cash-Strapped Ohio School District Forced To Make Do With Centuries-Old Firearms

ATHENS, OH—Acknowledging that the Ohio school district’s threadbare budget prevented him from purchasing more up-to-date equipment, local math teacher Kurt Hyde confirmed Tuesday that he was forced to make do with centuries-old firearms. “The students here really deserve better than a bunch of muzzle-loaded long guns…

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‘Diversity Was The Real Winner Last Night,’ Report Hundreds Of Dumbasses Whose Very Existence Insults The Name Of Journalism

LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that “diversity was the real winner last night.” “On a night traditionally filled with glitz and glam, it was race and gender…

Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party

LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly nauseous while reading dozens of text messages and email follow-ups, a hungover Guillermo Del Toro reportedly panicked Monday after realizing he promised to write new movies for everyone he spoke to at the Oscars after-party. “Oh god, my fucking head—I can’t believe I agreed to make…