Dog Who Successfully Detected Cancer In Owner Put Down For Practicing Medicine Without A License

PHOENIX—In what authorities hope serves as a warning to any domesticated animal who places medical patients at risk, Kuma, 3, a German shepherd who successfully detected cancer in his owner, was put down Thursday for practicing medicine without a license. “Although in this particular case the animal’s actions did save…

‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining” phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death, witnesses confirmed Thursday that George W. Bush shoved his younger brother into their father’s open grave while screaming “No, take Jeb instead!” “Please! Please! Oh, God, please don’t take my father…

Financial Experts Say Stock Market Constantly Plunging, Reaching Record Highs Leading Indicator Of Healthy Economy

NEW YORK—Reminding investors that 800-point swings are completely normal, financial experts confirmed Thursday that the stock market constantly plunging before climbing to record highs was the leading indicator of a healthy economy. “A highly volatile market that reaches a record high one day before suddenly wiping…

Incredibly Popular George H.W. Bush Funeral Gets Extended 2-Week Run

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public…

Woman Finds It Worrying That All Of New Boyfriend’s Previous Relationships Ended In Breakups

NEW YORK—Admitting that she had never suspected anything dubious until recently hearing the details of her significant other’s past, local woman Debra Haas told reporters Thursday that she found it worrying that all of her new boyfriend’s previous relationships ended in breakups. “I could see if only one or two had…

Nervous Maid Of Honor Just Stringing Together Random Maya Angelou Quotes

CLEVELAND, OH—Relying completely on the acclaimed poet’s platitudes on life, love, and loss, anxiety-ridden wedding participant Kelsey Guzman based the majority of her maid of honor speech this week on random Maya Angelou quotes strung together on extremely thin pretenses. “I thought Kels would be okay when she opened…

Wisconsin Legislature Weakens Incoming Democratic Governor By Restricting His Access To Food, Water, Shelter

MADISON, WI—In an effort to prevent the state’s newly elected leader from enacting his agenda, the Republican-controlled Wisconsin legislature was working to weaken incoming Democratic governor Tony Evers by restricting his access to food, water, and shelter, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We must rein in the…

Producer Tells Actress Non-Disclosure Agreement Pretty Standard For Getting Away With Abusing His Power

LOS ANGELES—Dismissing it as nothing more than “a bunch of legal-ese” giving him free rein to make her life hell, film producer Richard Chapman reportedly assured an up-and-coming actress Wednesday that her non-disclosure agreement was pretty standard for permitting men like him to abuse their power. “You can read it…

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