Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job

TULSA, OK—Dreading the day new technologies would emerge to render his craft obsolete, Vince Callahan, an autoworker crouched inside a robotic welding arm, told reporters Tuesday that he was terrified a robot would eventually take his job. “This is all I know how to do. If they ever make a robot that can do this job,…

Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment

CHICAGO—Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you could use Grandma’s antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment. “If you want it, we can haul it over the next time I have a doctor’s appointment in the city,” your mother said,…

‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over

LOS ANGELES—Buzzing with anticipation amid rumors surrounding the HBO show’s long-awaited finale, Game of Thrones fans nationwide expressed their excitement Monday after learning that the series would finally be over. “This is awesome. I’ve been looking forward to this ever since season one,” said fan Benjamin…

GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee

WASHINGTON—Responding to backlash over controversial remarks in which the congressman lamented that “white nationalist” had become an offensive term, the GOP stripped Steve King (R-IA) of his post Monday on the powerful House Segregation Committee. “Despite Representative King’s long and dutiful history on the House…

Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing

WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare the nominee to speak in front of the Senate, advisors to Donald Trump’s attorney general pick William Barr reportedly instructed him Monday to avoid referring to the president as “my liege” during his confirmation hearing. “Mr. Barr, we recommend you eliminate the phrase ‘His…

R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over

NEW YORK—Saying she had no idea the final chords were going to go on as long as they did, local R&B singer Kaila Robinson decided Monday that she might as well just keep moaning into the mic until the end of the song. “Well, I finished all of the words I planned to sing and we still have 30 seconds on the track,…

Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs

CARBONDALE, IL—Stating their dumbass intentions to get a running start and scream “cowabunga,” the nation’s idiots announced plans Monday to jump off their roofs into a pile of snow and break their fucking legs. “We dunces stand on our roof gutters today, fully prepared to jump 20 feet to the ground and straight into…

It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It

All of us do or say the wrong thing from time to time. It’s my belief that what matters most is not the mistakes we make in life, but how we choose to respond after we’ve made them. Refusing to acknowledge our errors is easy: We simply presume that we are correct and ignore any facts to the contrary. Admitting we’ve…

Advertisement