BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more…

Federal agents seized 1 million pounds of pork products at a New Jersey port in the largest agricultural bust in U.S. history. What do you think?

In the first 24 hours after the attacks, Facebook removed 1.5 million videos of the recent New Zealand terror attacks, 1.2 million of which were blocked immediately at upload to reduce the act’s virality. What do you think?

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a landmark discovery that sheds new light on the development of Western thought, historians announced Tuesday they had found several lost Socratic dialogues in which the ancient Greek philosopher simply gives up and screams that his debate opponents are all fucking brainwashed shills. “In these newly…

LONDON—Bringing an end to years of controversy and legal challenges, Scotland Yard officials announced Tuesday that they had freed 163-year-old British man James Babington Gaskell after DNA evidence found him innocent of murder charges related to notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper. “It’s certainly a gross…

After a spat of patrons being ejected from restaurants for wearing MAGA hats, a new app named 63red Safe will help users find restaurants that serve patrons of all political beliefs. What do you think?

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to better integrate its values into the heart of its brand, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it had decided to rehire writer–director James Gunn to helm Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 as part of a company-wide push to embrace pedophilia. “Pedophiles have always had an important role…

MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that users who call for the suspension of bigoted accounts might just be afraid of a real debate, Facebook representatives told reporters Tuesday that classifying hate speech can be difficult because some posts actually make very interesting points. “At Facebook, we are committed to combating…

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Confirming decades of speculation concerning the potentially disruptive effects of runaway literacy, scientists at the University Of Alabama published a study Tuesday establishing a definite and potentially dangerous link between the practice of book learnin’ and increased back talk. “According to our…

Ethiopian officials have found clear similarities between two recent crashes involving Boeing 737 Max 8s, putting pressure on manufacturer Boeing to determine what flaw in their planes might have been responsible for the tragedies. What do you think?