Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign

NEW YORK—Following sentencing for his role in a hush-money scandal, Michael Cohen was granted a prison work release for a new job with the Trump 2020 campaign, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re confident that engaging in honest work will help Mr. Cohen with his rehabilitation,” said warden Pete Clements, telling…

Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside

NEW YORK—After receiving a three-year sentence in a federal penitentiary for tax evasion, campaign finance violations, misleading a bank, and lying to Congress, Michael Cohen completed the first of stage of his intricate plan to break his incarcerated brother out of prison from the inside, sources confirmed Wednesday.…

Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor

WASHINGTON—Marking the end of the longest tenure of any Republican senator in U.S. history, Orrin Hatch (R-UT) delivered his farewell address to colleagues Wednesday from a coffin being lowered into an open grave on the floor of the Senate. “It has been the honor of my life to serve my country these past 42 years in…

Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Tuesday by the American Institute of Health, the average American experiences the most physical exertion when frantically waving their cell phone around to get a better signal. “After an extensive two-year analysis of all physical activity in the United States, we discovered…

Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built

WASHINGTON—In a stirring defense of his administration’s commitment toward border security, President Trump claimed Tuesday that substantial portions of the laser forcefield between the United States and Mexico had already been built. “I’m committed to the safety and security of this great nation, which is why we’ve…

Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop

COOKEVILLE, TN—Saying he has been unable to readjust to civilian life since returning home from his deployment to the border with Mexico, U.S. soldier Matthew Coltrane told reporters Tuesday he continues to have nightmares in which he is being used as a mere political prop. “In the middle of the night, I’ll wake up in…

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