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Americans Discuss Whether Biden Should Run Again

Many are concerned about Joe Biden’s physical and mental fitness to serve another presidential term. The Onion asked Americans if Biden should run again, and this is what they said.

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NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040

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Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices

WASHINGTON—In a tangential footnote appended to its 6-3 decision in West Virginia v. Environmental Protection Agency, the Supreme Court casually declared Thursday that the nation had been divided into six provinces, each of which would be ruled by a…

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Elmo Receives Vasectomy In PSA On Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies

NEW YORK—In an effort to raise awareness of the medical procedure after the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade, Sesame Workshop released a public service announcement Thursday on preventing unwanted pregnancies that featured Elmo receiving a…

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Man Disgusted After Shining Blacklight On Ejaculating Penis

CALISTOGA, CA—Turning off the lights of his hotel room and immediately wincing in utter revulsion, local man Kenny Porter told reporters he was disgusted Thursday after shining a blacklight on his ejaculating penis. “Ugh, god, it was terrible, the…

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Biggest Lies Americans Are Taught About The 4th Of July

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Migrant Imprisoned At Border Should Weep In English

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What To Know About Cassidy Hutchinson And Her January 6 Testimony

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Nude Justice Breyer Leaves Supreme Court After Turning In His Robes

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Phil Mickelson: ‘Taking Money From The Saudis Leaves Less Money For The Next 9/11’

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Hospital Vaporized By Powerful Blast Of Energy Released From Splitting Conjoined Twins

JOHNSTOWN, OH—In a devastating surgical disaster of cataclysmic proportions, a local hospital was vaporized Wednesday by a massive, uncontainable blast of energy released from the splitting of conjoined twins. “We saw a bright flashing light, and…

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Guy Being Electrocuted Embarrassed Everyone Can See His Whole Skeleton Right Now

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Losing Custody Of Kids Only Makes Single Dad More Appealing

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Man Hopes Nicely Dug Grave Will Get Him Back In Captors’ Good Graces

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Pete Buttigieg’s Locomotive Always Taking Up 2 Whole Parking Spots

WASHINGTON—Condemning the cabinet member for being so inconsiderate, Department of Transportation sources confirmed Wednesday that Pete Buttigieg’s locomotive was always taking up two whole parking spots. “You get one reserved parking spot, not two;…