Breaking NewsWhistleblower Uncovers CIA Plot To Get President LaidWASHINGTON—In a covert operation in which intelligence officials are believed to have targeted dozens of hotties across the globe, the CIA has engaged in a sophisticated, ongoing effort to get President Biden laid, a whistleblower at the agency told…
Breaking NewsStudy Links Stress To Desperately Grasping For Out-Of-Reach Weapon As Villain Approaches
Politics‘Eh…You Get The Picture,’ Says Biden, Ending State Of The Union 45 Seconds Into SpeechWASHINGTON—President Joe Biden ended Tuesday night’s State of the Union address 45 seconds after he began it, limiting the annual speech to a few muttered phrases before he told the joint session of Congress and millions watching at home that he was…
PoliticsSecond Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden SayingWASHINGTON—Showing the Chinese president grow visibly enraged as he listened to his American counterpart bad-mouth him behind his back, a backstage camera revealed surprise guest Xi Jinping’s reactions to everything President Biden said during…
Politics‘But The Scary Balloon Popped, So They Went Back To Worrying About The Recession Monster,’ Says Joe Biden, Reading Illustrated Children’s State Of The UnionWASHINGTON—Holding the book up so everyone in the House chamber could see the pictures, President Joe Biden read about how “the scary balloon popped” and everyone “went back to worrying about the Recession Monster” as he shared an illustrated…
PoliticsBooks Ron DeSantis Has Banned In FloridaIn response to new rules issued by the administration of Gov. Ron DeSantis, teachers are being ordered to remove all books from libraries and classrooms until they can be approved by a state-trained “certified media specialist.” The following books…
LocalPolice Stop Black Civilian For Fitting Description Of Giant Fire-Breathing Reptile Terrorizing Tokyo
Breaking NewsU.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of ViolenceWASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and violence,” said…
LocalReport: Everyone Laughing At What Is A Very Silly Misunderstanding, But Don’t Be Fooled—Even Now, The Seeds Of Resentment Are Taking Root
LocalCancer Patient Harasses Poor Little Insurance Company Into Covering BillMINNETONKA, MN—Calling the behavior mean-spirited and over the line, poor little insurer UnitedHealth Group told reporters Monday that cancer patient Belinda Rollins had harassed the company until it finally agreed to cover her bill. “That woman…
PoliticsBiden Casually Tells National Prayer Breakfast He’s Been To Heaven Several TimesWASHINGTON—As he transitioned from an anecdote about how his personal faith had allowed him to overcome many hardships in life, President Joe Biden casually mentioned during the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday that he had been to heaven several…
PoliticsDrop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified Documents
PoliticsKamala Harris Asks Communications Assistant If She Can Take Them Out For Coffee And Pick Their Brain Sometime
Breaking NewsThings To Never Google After You Commit A CrimeIf you’re suspected of a crime, one of the first places the authorities will search is your online history. If you’re under investigation, never google the following things.
OpinionGoogle Employees React To Company LayoffsAfter Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs.
BasketballMichael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of HeadJUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days,…
