OpinionConservatives Explain How Climate Hysteria Destroys FreedomAs conservatives continue to stress that implementing plans to reduce the causes of record hot temperatures, wildfires, and pollution infringes upon their liberties, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how climate hysteria violates their…
Breaking NewsSupreme Court Upholds Voting Rights Law As Cover For What Comes NextWASHINGTON—In what seemed like a surprisingly progressive 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court upheld a voting rights law Thursday as a cover for what comes next. “Striking down the Republican-drawn congressional maps that discriminate against Black voters…
Breaking NewsNew World Order Holds Annual Meeting At Indianapolis MarriottINDIANAPOLIS—Convening to maintain the organization’s invisible hand of control across the globe, the New World Order held its annual meeting Thursday at an Indianapolis Marriott. “This worldwide cabal of shadowy power brokers needs a place it can…
Breaking NewsJesus Returns For Second Coming Still Nailed To CrossJERUSALEM—Moaning aloud and appearing to bleed profusely as He descended from the heavens, Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of Mankind, was reportedly still nailed to the cross Thursday when He returned for the Second Coming. “I always thought that when…
LocalExcited Parents Inform Only Child He’s Going To Have A Little Competitor For Their Love And Attention
LocalMan Who Went To Grocery Store Horny Leaves With Way Too Many Overripe MelonsGROVELAND, CA—Saying he knew he’d made a mistake the second he looked down at his shopping cart in the checkout line, local man Travis Fischer begrudgingly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he had purchased way too many overripe melons after…
PoliticsConservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride MerchandiseAfter threatening boycotts of companies and violence against retail workers, conservatives explain why they’re so triggered by products celebrating Pride Month.
PoliticsPence Says Decision To Run For President Came After God Told Him He Could Get 6-Figure Speaking Deal From It
Breaking NewsInternet Divided Over Video Of Black Cop Shooting White Cop Who Was Choking Out Racist White Woman Who Called Police On Black Teenagers
Breaking NewsLockheed Martin Boosts Earnings Outlook Citing Billions Of Innocent People Still Left To Kill
