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CEOs Defend Corporate Greed

The Onion asked several of the smartest, richest, and most powerful business leaders on planet Earth how they felt being accused of “greedflation,” and this is what they said.

Breaking News

Federal Court Rules Sacklers Can Still Go To Heaven

Breaking News

Obama Kills Self After Learning About ‘President Obummer’ Nickname

WASHINGTON—Calling the epithet a deeply painful way of talking about another human being, former President Barack Obama reportedly killed himself Wednesday after learning about the “President Obummer” nickname. “My Lord, have people really been…

Breaking News

State Department Issues Travel Warning For Americans Visiting Chili’s

WASHINGTON—Recommending that U.S. citizens exercise extreme caution if they plan to make the trip, the State Department issued a travel warning Wednesday for every American visiting Chili’s. “The travel advisory for the family restaurant…

Local

Police Claim They Thought 9-Year-Old Boy They Shot Was Actually 10-Year-Old Boy

MARIETTA, GA—Admitting that a grave miscalculation had been made about the suspect’s age, the Marietta Police Department confirmed it put an officer on leave Wednesday after he shot a 9-year-old boy who he thought was actually a 10-year-old boy. “At…

Opinion

Parents Explain Why Trans Kids Should Be Banned From Prom

Breaking News

Elizabeth Holmes Immediately Defrauds Biggest Inmate To Gain Other Prisoners’ Respect

Breaking News

Report: More Hospitals Requiring Patients To Put Body Part Down As Collateral Before Receiving Services

Watch

Body Language Fact: Did You Know?

104-Year-Old Man Awarded WWII Medal Just To Be Nice

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Quiz: Could You Pass A Police Officer Entrance Exam?

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Meaning Fact: Did You Know?

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Goofy Beats Ron DeSantis To Death With Crowbar

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American Voices

Ukraine Admits Country’s Been In Shambles Since Hunter Biden Left

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Man Never Knows Right Time In Job Interview To Go In For Kiss

GREENWOOD, IN—Noting that his decision would likely set the tone for the entire meeting, local man Andy Franklin told reporters Tuesday that he never knew the right moment in a job interview to go in for a kiss. “I hate to say it, but when you meet…

Local

White Conservative Parents Sit Children Down For Tough Conversation About Seeing Black Character In Movie

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Politics

Matt Gaetz Takes Out Half-Page Ad In House Bill Congratulating Teen Girl On High School Graduation

WASHINGTON—Shelling out $55 for the loving tribute, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) reportedly took out a half-page ad in a House bill Friday to congratulate a local teen girl on her high school graduation. “Congrats, Kayla, so proud of you, punkin!” read…