Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About

ROSEBURG, OR—Noting the wide variety of nonperishable items lining the shelves, furloughed government employee Sheena Enders, 38, confirmed Wednesday she was using some of the time off from her job with the U.S. Census Bureau to visit the local food pantry she had heard so much about. “I’ve driven past this place…

NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood

SAN ANTONIO—Staring into the distance with his mouth agape and sweat beading on his forehead, NBA referee JB Derosa was reportedly terrified Monday after seeing a depiction of his own death while looking under the replay hood. “JB was under there a while on what seemed like a routine call, then all of a sudden, he…

Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Shedding new light on the U.S. populace’s view of current national predicaments, a Monmouth University poll released Tuesday revealed that an increasing number of voters hold the founding fathers responsible for starting America. “As many as 75 percent of voters blame the country’s issues on the…

Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job

TULSA, OK—Dreading the day new technologies would emerge to render his craft obsolete, Vince Callahan, an autoworker crouched inside a robotic welding arm, told reporters Tuesday that he was terrified a robot would eventually take his job. “This is all I know how to do. If they ever make a robot that can do this job,…

Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment

CHICAGO—Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you could use Grandma’s antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment. “If you want it, we can haul it over the next time I have a doctor’s appointment in the city,” your mother said,…

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