OpinionMen Explain Why They Are Obsessed With The Roman EmpireFollowing a recent TikTok trend that revealed men frequently think about the Roman Empire, The Onion asked men to explain why they are obsessed with the Roman Empire, and this is what they said.
LocalAnnoyed Murderer Starting To Worry Woman Never Going To Check Behind Shower CurtainBAR HARBOR, ME—As he shifted his feet impatiently and tried to pass the time until his hiding spot was discovered, sources confirmed Wednesday that annoyed serial killer Ernest Vershbow was starting to worry the woman he lay in wait for was never…
Breaking NewsObesity Study Finds 36% Of Americans One Deep Breath Away From Pants Popping OpenATLANTA—Referring to the prevalence of the condition in the United States as both widespread and dire, a new obesity study released Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control found that 36% of Americans were one deep breath away from their pants…
Breaking NewsReport: Habsburgs Stopped Inbreeding One Generation Short Of Producing Perfect Human SpecimenPRINCETON, NJ—After studying the family’s genetic abnormalities over the course of many generations, a team of Princeton University researchers concluded in a paper published Wednesday that the Habsburg family stopped inbreeding one generation short…
LocalParents Sit Adopted Child Down To Explain Why He So Much Uglier Than ThemFORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Taking time to help the boy understand the ways in which they were a little bit different than most families, local parents Amanda and Michael Sayers sat their adopted child down Monday to explain why he was so much uglier than…
InfographicPros And Cons Of Impeaching Joe BidenHouse Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) called for a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden for corruption related to his alleged role in his son Hunter’s overseas business dealings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the…
EntertainmentBill Maher Returns To Show Over Fears Aging Fan Base Will Die Off Before Writers’ Strike Ends
