Breaking NewsThings The Left Doesn’t Tolerate On College CampusesWhile liberals claim to be accepting, many right-wing college students are relentlessly persecuted for their conservative beliefs. Here are many of the things that the so-called tolerant left refuses to tolerate on college campuses.
Breaking NewsEveryone Witnessing Second Coming Just Going To Pretend They Already Knew Jesus Christ Had Crab Claws For HandsJERUSALEM—Struggling not to betray their surprise at the large, crustacean-like appendages being waved around by the Son of God, people currently witnessing the Second Coming were apparently just going to pretend they already knew Jesus had crab…
EntertainmentPanic-Stricken Taylor Swift Receives Yet Another Text From Brittany Mahomes Saying ‘Hey Girlie’NEW YORK—Staring at her phone in disbelief as the color drained from her face, a panic-stricken Taylor Swift reportedly received yet another text from Brittany Mahomes Thursday that read “Hey girlie” and was followed by an emoji heart. “No, no,…
American VoicesVirgin Atlantic Plane Fueled By Fat And Sugar Crosses AtlanticIn a test flight, Virgin Atlantic’s Boeing 787 successfully crossed the Atlantic ocean using a sustainable fuel blend of 88% waste fats and 12% synthetic aromatic kerosene derived from plant sugars. What do you think?
LocalConservative Men Explain How They Are Raising DaughtersThe only thing more terrifying than having a child is having a child that’s not born a straight white male. The Onion asked conservative men how they are coping with the tragedy of having to raise a daughter, and this is what they said.
PoliticsBiden Campaign Imperiled By Really Scratchy Blanket That Makes It Hard For President To SleepWASHINGTON—Following an investigation into the candidate’s lackluster poll numbers, President Biden’s campaign has traced the source of the Democratic incumbent’s troubles to a really scratchy blanket that makes it hard for him to sleep, according…
Breaking NewsStudy Finds Young Americans Eschewing Dating Apps In Favor Of Government-Run Breeding Camps
FootballModern-Day Mother Teresa Waits For Player On Stretcher To Give Thumbs-Up Before Considering Fantasy Implications
FootballFrustrated Robert Kraft Wishes There Were Somewhere He Could Go To Relieve Tension Of Patriots Season
