OpinionConservatives Explain How Pride Has Gone Too FarFollowing numerous boycotts of companies that show support for the human beings in the LGBTQ community, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how pride has gone too far, and this is what they said.
Breaking News‘You Better Not Talk,’ Trump Warns Classified DocumentPALM BEACH, FL—Gritting his teeth as he spoke, former President Donald Trump reportedly said “You better not talk” Friday in a stern warning to one of the classified documents at the center of his recent federal indictment. “I mean it—if you utter…
Breaking NewsGOP Megadonor’s Bat-Wielding Goons Remind Clarence Thomas He Still Owes Him 500 RulingsWASHINGTON—Casually sweeping a line of picture frames off an entryway table onto the floor with a crash, the bat-wielding goons of an anonymous GOP megadonor reportedly visited Clarence Thomas Friday to remind him that he still owes their employer…
SportsEvery Professional Sports Team Moves To Las VegasLAS VEGAS—Citing a favorable economic climate and a growing fanbase clamoring for more opportunities to watch games, every single professional sports team announced Friday that they are moving to Las Vegas. “We are excited to break ground on our new…
Breaking NewsReport Finds Tobacco Industry Aware Of Harmful Effects Of Flicking Lit Cigarette Into Giant Trail Of Gasoline For Years
LocalWoman Pushing Stroller Just Assumes Everyone Going To Move Out Of Her Way On HighwayMILWAUKEE—Striding forth with presumptuous disregard for all in her path, a local woman pushing a stroller Thursday reportedly just assumed that everyone was going to move out of her way on the interstate. “That’s so annoying—she’s on a walk with…
LocalExcited Parents Inform Only Child He’s Going To Have A Little Competitor For Their Love And Attention
PoliticsConservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride MerchandiseAfter threatening boycotts of companies and violence against retail workers, conservatives explain why they’re so triggered by products celebrating Pride Month.
Breaking NewsInternet Divided Over Video Of Black Cop Shooting White Cop Who Was Choking Out Racist White Woman Who Called Police On Black Teenagers