America's Finest News Source.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.
America's Finest News Source.

A Look At The Class Of 2026

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled A Look At The Class Of 2026

At four-year colleges, the Class of 2026 is now entering its freshman year. The Onion looks at the most surprising, insightful, and significant facts about the Class of 2026.

  • First class to be composed of 50% microplastics.
  • Survive an average of 15 school shootings a year.
  • Woefully unskilled at semaphore-flag communication.
  • Lacking the signature pizzazz of the Class of 2025.
  • Inordinate number of future cannibals.
  • Already hooked on new social media platform you won’t learn about for another three years.
  • No unicycle guy this year.
  • Over half have begun evolving additional sweat glands to cope with global warming.
  • Don’t care very much about mouse pads.
  • Are the future, for real this time.
Advertisement