At four-year colleges, the Class of 2026 is now entering its freshman year. The Onion looks at the most surprising, insightful, and significant facts about the Class of 2026.
Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts
- First class to be composed of 50% microplastics.
- Survive an average of 15 school shootings a year.
- Woefully unskilled at semaphore-flag communication.
- Lacking the signature pizzazz of the Class of 2025.
- Inordinate number of future cannibals.
- Already hooked on new social media platform you won’t learn about for another three years.
- No unicycle guy this year.
- Over half have begun evolving additional sweat glands to cope with global warming.
- Don’t care very much about mouse pads.
- Are the future, for real this time.