At four-year colleges, the Class of 2026 is now entering its freshman year. The Onion looks at the most surprising, insightful, and significant facts about the Class of 2026.
- First class to be composed of 50% microplastics.
- Survive an average of 15 school shootings a year.
- Woefully unskilled at semaphore-flag communication.
- Lacking the signature pizzazz of the Class of 2025.
- Inordinate number of future cannibals.
- Already hooked on new social media platform you won’t learn about for another three years.
- No unicycle guy this year.
- Over half have begun evolving additional sweat glands to cope with global warming.
- Don’t care very much about mouse pads.
- Are the future, for real this time.
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