There’s no other way to say it, gamers: Today we stand at a crossroads. The U.S. government has just announced that it developed a serum capable of curing gaming without any adverse side effects, and they are demanding all gamers take it.
This isn’t a drill, readers. Our way of life is on the line.
As we well know, gamers have been feared and distrusted by many in the mainstream population since we first began appearing in the late 1950s. Over the years, there have been many attempts by the FBI and NSA to monitor us or stop the growth of our favorite hobby, but today’s announcement represents by far the most serious existential threat gamers have ever faced.
Moments after taking the serum, we’re told that even the most diehard gamer will lose their appetite for investing hundreds of hours in open-world action games or classic JRPGs. In fact, even if you were to place an early release copy of Half Life 3 in front of a hardcore Valve fanboy’s face, this serum would cause them to simply look at the box with indifference before turning back to a movie or novel.
It’s enough to turn your stomach.
Already, several senators have put forward legislation requiring game-loving individuals receive an injection as soon as it is widely available, under penalty of imprisonment or death, while a few, such as Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), who has long been suspected of being a gamer herself, have pushed back, arguing that gaming fans are not a threat, but a friend to the American people.
As rhetoric heats up on Capitol Hill, moderate factions have begun to form in the gaming community, with influencers like Tyler “Ninja” Blevins arguing that the government officials are simply misguided in their attempt to destroy our way of life. Make no mistake, gamers, these soft-hearted fools offer nothing but the chilling draught of supplication. The non-gamers cannot be reasoned with. They have fired the first shot, and if it’s a war they want, then a war is what we shall give them.
Our time is at hand, OGN readers. For too long, we have crawled on our bellies, relegated to basements and arcade bars while other hobbyists have reigned supreme. Well, no longer. They have woken a sleeping giant, and we shall rise, more powerful than they could have imagined. The battle to come will not be easy, and many may die along the way, but they will live on forever as martyrs to the cause. Let today mark the day that gaming aficionados broke free from our shackles and took up our rightful mantle as the next, most glorious step in human evolution.
Game on, readers, or die trying.