A Primer On History’s Greatest Presidents

Illustration for article titled A Primer On History’s Greatest Presidents

In honor of President’s Day, The Onion provides a primer on the country’s most noteworthy commanders-in-chief.

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George Washington: America’s first white president


Andrew Jackson: Provided a valuable template for future leaders to murder thousands of non-whites without everyone turning it into a big thing

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William Henry Harrison: Holds the distinction of doing the least damage to the nation’s legacy of any president in history

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Abraham Lincoln: The 16th president is celebrated for leading the Union to victory in the war against states’ rights

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Theodore Roosevelt: Holds record for killing the most black rhinos while in office

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William Howard Taft: The accomplished statesman who also served as chief justice of the Supreme Court is remembered for being fat

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Franklin D. Roosevelt: Inspired the 22nd Amendment by demonstrating that more than two terms in office will cause a fatal cerebral hemorrhage

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Lyndon B. Johnson: Returned America to a state of normalcy after its terrifying three-year brush with Catholicism

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Gerald Ford: Smart enough to figure out how to bypass the humiliating process of getting elected

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Jimmy Carter: The only president thus far to have been granted eternal life


Ronald Reagan: Throughout his two terms in office, Reagan boldly challenged the prevailing notion that a president must give a shit about poor people

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Winston Reeves: A master Freemason, Reeves has ably run the country since 1989 as the nation’s 12th shadow president

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