The last year has been full of challenges and heartbreak for Smoove B. His one true girl continues to ignore his many heartfelt pleas to join together again like two stars that have collided in outer space and formed one larger, red-hot star. It fills Smoove with much sadness and causes him to take long, slow walks in the rain, but Smoove has to accept the fact that she will not be coming back to him.
The plan to seduce Michelle Obama in both body and soul has also not moved forward during the last few months. She and her people have stopped returning Smoove's phone calls, and his letters, and the elaborately arranged fruit sculptures he has assembled from the earth's most exotic produce.
Also, I think I am on some kind of FBI watch list now.
Making matters worse, my main man Darnell has not returned the many text messages I have left asking him to kick it at the clubs this evening. He may be getting his body waxed, but still, come on, Darnell. At least hit me back to say that you are currently indisposed.
Tonight, I'm afraid, Smoove is on his own.
But rather than wallow in dismay, I have decided that I will treat myself in the same manner that I normally reserve for the fine ladies of my life. I can say that I am very much looking forward to this evening, as it should be quite special.
Let me break it down for myself.
First I will dress in the finest pajamas and/or loungewear that my closet has to offer. I will try several options, but will ultimately avoid the tailored set of red silk pajamas since they make me sad. This is because I have worn that outfit on many previous occasions, including the time my one true girl brought her friend Cherise into our bedroom on our two-month anniversary. Cherise was very impressed with our lovemaking, and for good reason. We were, and remain, very good lovers.
Once I have selected an outfit that accentuates my masculine attributes yet feels soft against my ebony skin, I will spend 10 minutes in front of the mirror looking for any wrinkles or imperfections. At this time, I will also see how the clothes hold up against many different sexual poses and stances.
Satisfied with my choice of wardrobe, I will then lead myself to the bar, where I will create a sensual cocktail that will be extremely refreshing and put me in a more relaxed state of mind. The cocktail will be delicious, but unlike anything I have ever tasted before. I will make it appear as if I'm creating it on the spot, but its incredible sophistication and balance will make that seem unlikely.
But I can say with absolute certainty that, yes, the cocktail will be invented then and there.
Then it will be time to create a sumptuous meal for myself. The meal will no doubt consist of scallops seared in butter and tenderly sprinkled with appropriate herbs and seasonings. I will also sauté some asparagus as well as that cauliflower I bought last week, because if I do not cook it tonight it will probably go bad. All of these items will be slowly and seductively put into my mouth where I will savor every bite. There will also be bread.
If need be, Smoove can always order out.
My appetite successfully whetted, I will take myself to the living room where I will light a fire and hand-feed myself strawberries. I will look at myself in the mirror and say reassuring things as I do this. Things like, "You deserve love," and "You are handsome and in shape and have an extensive wardrobe of clothes that all fit very well." I will also say "It's not your fault" several times. It may be hard for me to fully believe the words coming out of my mouth, but I will want to believe them as my voice will be filled with sincerity and seductiveness.
I will then take a long, hot shower. Damn.
Once I have dried myself off with fine Egyptian cotton-blend towels, I will beckon myself to my bedroom, and it is there that I will reach new levels of ecstasy and pleasure. Three times. While this will be very satisfying, it will in the end be much like going to see the band Jodeci and realizing that K-Ci is not there that particular evening. Just JoJo. It is simply not the same thing, but it will still be very, very good.
I will sex me up all night long.
The next morning I will lay out an assortment of bagels and any flavor of cream cheese that one can imagine. I will also have freshly squeezed grapefruit juice. Over breakfast I will contemplate how, despite the setbacks I've had over the past year, I can still be secure in the knowledge that I can treat myself to a fantastic evening all by myself and, no matter what, I am one of the sexiest men on the planet and will remain so until the day I die. I will know this to be true as I eat my breakfast.
I will say that it is my deepest wish that 2010 is a much better year for Smoove.
Smoove B resides in the city of Cincinnati, OH, in a 10th-floor penthouse. He is a regular guest contributor at the Cincinnati Learning Annex, where he teaches the popular six-week course, "The Fundamentals Of Relationship Communication." From 1998–2001, he wrote, produced, and starred in a semi-regular cable-access cooking show that focused on breakfast.