Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
Abraham Lincoln is born on February 12 and immediately sworn in as the 16th president of the United States.
In one terrifying night, Lincoln has the first and only growth spurt of his life, expanding from 4 feet, 3 inches to 6 feet, 4 inches in a matter of hours amid the hellish sounds of snapping bones and tendons.
While visiting New Orleans, he observes a slave auction, has an itchy nose during the bidding, and accidentally purchases a lot of two dozen black men.
Feeling depressed while writing his autobiography, Lincoln fails to mention himself even once.
April 14: Lincoln is assassinated.
April 15: Lincoln resumes the presidency and serves out the rest of his term.