6.38 million years ago: Satan plants the first cannabis seed on the Asian continent to tempt future Christians.
20,000 B.C.: First cave drawings depicting a smiling skull wearing tie-dyed jester hat appear.
420 B.C.: A disappointingly uneventful year in the history of marijuana.
782: Charlemagne proves good Christians don’t need to do pot to have a good time by massacring 4,500 Saxon pagans while completely sober.
1500: The epic poem “Hashish And Wine” by the poet Fuzûlî, featuring an allegorical conversation between the two substances, marks the earliest known example of people liking some piece of bullshit because it talks about weed.
1540: Brazilian settlers claim to discover the healing effects of the cannabis plant after being straight-up told about them by their Angolan slaves.
1609: Stoned troubadours wow residents of Knaresborough with five-hour lute session.
1754: British man nervously smuggles an eighth in his luggage on voyage to the New World.
1871: The Great Chicago Fire starts as a result of unsuccessful efforts to turn Mrs. O’Leary’s cow into a bong.
1930: U.S. government toughens up marijuana laws after finding the drug strong, but not strong enough that it kills off members of poor communities in massive numbers.
June 23, 1961: Woody Harrelson born.
1972: Oregano bypasses basil as top herb sold to naive first-time weed buyers.
1983: Taking his first toke of marijuana finally allows Roger Waters to understand what he was going for with “Dark Side Of The Moon.”
1992: Last object on Earth yet to be made into a bong made into a bong.
2009: Your dealer said he’d be here by 2007.
2011: O.G. Kush strain added to Svalbard Global Seed Vault.