A Timeline Of The 2016 Election Cycle

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May 9, 73,452 B.C.

Distant ancestor of Donald Trump secures spot in evolutionary pool by bludgeoning in head of sexual competitor with slab of rock

February 20, 2015

Potentially likable candidates decide not to run for president

March 23, 2015

Ted Cruz becomes first person to formally announce candidacy for an office that, at the time, still meant something to many people


April 12, 2015

Hillary Clinton announces start of campaign that has actually been underway for several decades


April 30, 2015

Bernie Sanders joins race surrounded by five original members of rabid fan base

June 16, 2015

Donald Trump officially announces candidacy for presidency after his exploratory committee spends three weeks diligently chanting “build the wall”


November 10, 2015

Chris Christie incorrectly figures relegation to second-tier debate will represent personal low point of 2016 election cycle


January 4, 2016

19 seconds go by without anyone discussing Donald Trump

March 11, 2016

Donald Trump cancels rally in Chicago because the wrong people were getting violent


July 12, 2016

Bernie Sanders abandons presidential campaign, prompting several of his supporters to do the same


July 16, 2016

Gary Johnson sweeps up Bernie Sanders supporters who hate political establishment but don’t particularly care about the election’s outcome


August 27, 2016

83-year-old Iowa grandmother Gretchen Richardson hears the term “cuck” for the first time


September 2, 2016

Scott Bakula briefly considers getting in touch with the rest of the cast of Quantum Leap to put together a video in support of Hillary Clinton before shrugging and letting it go


September 12, 2016

Hillary Clinton dies of pneumonia

October 9, 2016

Town hall–style presidential debate allows Americans to watch undecided voters recoil from both candidates in real time


November 9, 2016

Nation turns to ash