May 9, 73,452 B.C.
Distant ancestor of Donald Trump secures spot in evolutionary pool by bludgeoning in head of sexual competitor with slab of rock
February 20, 2015
Potentially likable candidates decide not to run for president
March 23, 2015
Ted Cruz becomes first person to formally announce candidacy for an office that, at the time, still meant something to many people
April 12, 2015
Hillary Clinton announces start of campaign that has actually been underway for several decades
April 30, 2015
Bernie Sanders joins race surrounded by five original members of rabid fan base
June 16, 2015
Donald Trump officially announces candidacy for presidency after his exploratory committee spends three weeks diligently chanting “build the wall”
November 10, 2015
Chris Christie incorrectly figures relegation to second-tier debate will represent personal low point of 2016 election cycle
January 4, 2016
19 seconds go by without anyone discussing Donald Trump
March 11, 2016
Donald Trump cancels rally in Chicago because the wrong people were getting violent
July 12, 2016
Bernie Sanders abandons presidential campaign, prompting several of his supporters to do the same
July 16, 2016
Gary Johnson sweeps up Bernie Sanders supporters who hate political establishment but don’t particularly care about the election’s outcome
August 27, 2016
83-year-old Iowa grandmother Gretchen Richardson hears the term “cuck” for the first time
September 2, 2016
Scott Bakula briefly considers getting in touch with the rest of the cast of Quantum Leap to put together a video in support of Hillary Clinton before shrugging and letting it go
September 12, 2016
Hillary Clinton dies of pneumonia
October 9, 2016
Town hall–style presidential debate allows Americans to watch undecided voters recoil from both candidates in real time
November 9, 2016
Nation turns to ash