Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
7,000 B.C.
History’s first recorded girlfriend
41 B.C.
Marc Antony wins the affections of Cleopatra by presenting her with a cardstock likeness of Shrek that reads “Valentine, you bowl me OGRE!”
1797
Victorians begin the practice of sending and receiving romantic cards in an expression of love designed to ostracize single people
1929
Al Capone orchestrates the murder of seven Irish gangsters in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and then probably takes his wife out to a nice dinner
1929-1933
Great Depression gets millions of people off the hook
1955
Heart replaces pancreas as official human organ of the holiday
1972
Fourth-graders at McGinn Elementary launch coordinated effort to ensure no one gives Shannon Brown a card
1980
U.S. divorce rate reaches 50 percent
2010
Garry Marshall’s landmark film Valentine’s Day introduces the holiday’s heretofore obscure subculture to mainstream audiences
2017
You still haven’t settled down?