Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:

7,000 B.C.

History’s first recorded girlfriend

41 B.C.

Marc Antony wins the affections of Cleopatra by presenting her with a cardstock likeness of Shrek that reads ‚ÄúValentine, you bowl me OGRE!‚ÄĚ

1797

Victorians begin the practice of sending and receiving romantic cards in an expression of love designed to ostracize single people

1929

Al Capone orchestrates the murder of seven Irish gangsters in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and then probably takes his wife out to a nice dinner

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1929-1933

Great Depression gets millions of people off the hook

1955

Heart replaces pancreas as official human organ of the holiday

1972

Fourth-graders at McGinn Elementary launch coordinated effort to ensure no one gives Shannon Brown a card

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1980

U.S. divorce rate reaches 50 percent

2010

Garry Marshall’s landmark film Valentine’s Day introduces the holiday’s heretofore obscure subculture to mainstream audiences

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2017

You still haven’t settled down?