Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked singer-songwriter Taylor Swift to provide a window into a typical week in her life.
Saturday: “To come up with relationship material for my songs, I spend most Saturdays at my local rec center going on dozens of speed dates that lead to dozens of new relationships, all of which are terrible.”
Sunday: “The perfect day to catch up on chores. I spend my Sundays running errands, doing laundry, and cleaning Ed Sheeran’s cage.”
Monday: “Ugh. I hate Mondays. I like to stay in bed with my lasagna, but that idiot dog Odie always bothers me!”
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Tuesday: “Sighing practice, then 30 minutes of fog walking, followed by a wistful yearning session.”
Wednesday: “I sleep for nearly the entire 24-hour period on Wednesdays, waking only briefly at 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. to consume raw burger meat for nourishment.”
Thursday: “Thursdays just kind of suck so I spend this one in bed, staring at the Roku screensaver wondering if we as a society romanticize cities because if we’ll be lonely either way, we might as well be lonely around each other. Wait. That’s good. Let me write that down real quick.”
Friday: “Friday is rib day, no exceptions. Everyone down at Slippery Hogg’s knows me and they keep my favorite spot open all day so I can slide in and start eating without speaking to anyone. I can put away two racks by 5 p.m., easy, and four by last call. No one bothers me or even says a word, they just bring the fat sloppy racks and pitchers of Coors until I stand up and walk away. This space at Hogg’s that I’ve cultivated for myself is easily the thing I’m most proud of, and wouldn’t miss it for anything.”
Saturday: “Showtime! I’m a little worried that it took 11 seconds to sell out Wembley Stadium. Why not 10? Or nine? Or eight? Then afterwards I grab a flight to Detroit to wait outside the Pistons stadium in the freezing cold to get their autographs. But I’m late again and I stand outside alone for hours. It’s so cold I can’t feel my fingers. Eventually I realize they fell off! Now I don’t have fingers anymore.”