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ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated

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NEW YORK—Saying the hosts’ personal lives had become a distraction that threatened the program’s journalistic integrity, ABC News president Kimberly Godwin announced Friday that all Good Morning America anchors had been castrated. “At GMA, genitals aren’t what’s important—what’s important is reporting the news,” said Godwin, who confirmed that all on-air talent—including T.J. Holmes, Amy Robach, George Stephanopoulos, Robin Roberts, and Michael Strahan—had undergone either surgical castration to remove their testicles or chemical castration to reduce their libido, depending on their sex. “I want to be clear that this is not about punishing anyone. It’s about professionalism. To preserve our reputation as a news outlet, we must be 100% certain no GMA anchor ever again has sex outside their marriage.” At press time, Godwin had reportedly responded to the casual flirtation of two correspondents by separating them and moving their desks to opposite sides of the newsroom.