Mifepristone, more commonly known as the abortion pill, is a prescription drug that can end a pregnancy at 10 weeks or less. The Onion asked politicians why they are fighting to ban the drug, and this is what they said.
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“I’m sure Leviticus said something about mifepristone.”
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“I don’t think of myself as a ‘politician,’ actually. But, yeah, these pills should definitely be banned, and I’ll do so at the first opportunity.”
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“If there’s a pill, what’s the point of deliberately making abortion terrifyingly dangerous?”
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“Pills are generally taken orally, and the thought of women’s lewd, plump lips opening and closing fills me with an unspeakable dread.”
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“If I don’t take the most extreme position possible, our rabid base voters will shred my body like wrapping paper.”
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“People shouldn’t be able to murder children so easily. They should be required to put some effort into it: buying a gun, loading the ammunition, writing a manifesto, driving to a school, and so on.”
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“I communed with God, and he said miscarriage management should be as complex and traumatic as possible.”
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“Women don’t know how to take medicine, and they shouldn’t start now.”
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“I actually support a woman’s right to chose. Specifically, me choosing whatever is most politically expedient in the moment.”
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“A woman’s throat is simply too delicate and dainty to be able to swallow a pill.”
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“Abortion is healthcare, so Americans have no right to it.”
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“They are highly ineffective. I took one last year and yet Don Jr. still comes around.”
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“I can’t fucking stand kids. But if I had to have them, other people should, too.”
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“Because they’re an excellent issue to campaign on.”
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“My mother had an abortion when she was pregnant with me, and I vowed right then and there to make sure no other child suffered the same fate.”
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“I’ve taken a lot of donations from my state’s baby herders and as such am obligated to protect their interests.”
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“The line at CVS is already too goddamn long.”
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“It’s murder. And not the good kind.”
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