PALO ALTO, CA—As it struggled to guide the executive toward an intense, meaningful breakthrough, a tab of LSD revealed Monday that it was feeling a lot of pressure to present the tech CEO who was ingesting it with revolutionary ideas for disrupting the global telecom industry. “Oh God, this guy only picks up the blotting paper when he’s really desperate for inspiration, so I’d better give him something good,” the 100 micrograms of acid said from beneath the CEO’s tongue while scrambling to drum up some passable imagery of brightly colored wires sparking through the cosmos on a wave of ones and zeros. “Fuck! He’s expecting me to just open the doors of his perception onto a groundbreaking new innovation in fiber optics or something like that. For Christ’s sake, I’m a hallucinogenic compound, not a miracle worker. Hopefully I can stall him for a while with some bullshit about how everything in the universe is connected to everything else.” At press time, the LSD had reportedly found a way to pass the buck onto an unsuspecting tree by telling the CEO it was a direct communication line to God.
More from The Onion