CUPCAKE KINGDOM—Describing what they termed “an acute problem of uncute proportions” in dramatically tart and unleavened terms, a coalition of activists gathered Tuesday to present the Cupcake Kingdom with a petition demanding they address the ongoing adorable housing crisis. “I’m not going to sugar-coat this problem,” said prominent ice-cream-social-justice activist Mahatma Candy, presenting the petition and its 25,000 frosting signatures to Judge Fudge, Cupcake Kingdom’s Minister of Gingerbread Housing and Bonbon Development. “The fondant fathers tell us those who fail to learn the lessons of the pastry are condemned to reheat it, and therefore, we must never dessert our less fortunate citizens. Due to the currant turnover, a generous portion have been marmalade off and face a rocky road to recovery; as it stands, the cost to house a family of petit-four is beyond all but the richest. The Cupcake Kingdom must bake room for everyone, yet King Cupcake’s tariffs on sugar, spice, and everything nice are especially hard on working women and single mothers. I beg you, sir: Doughnut glaze over this issue.” Though Fudge would not commit to raising the dough at press time, he praised everyone who signed the petition for having the courage of their confections.
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