SACRAMENTO, CA—Expressing concern that time was running out and she would soon be past her prime, local aging teenager Miranda Ganford told reporters Wednesday that she was beginning to worry she’d never find her Prince Andrew. “Every little girl imagines that someday her Prince Andrew will come, and she’ll be coerced into having sex with him,” the 14-year-old said as she examined herself in a mirror, asking, “What dirty old prince would abduct me now?” as she scrutinized her appearance for any signs that puberty was approaching. “Maybe it’s naïve to sit around waiting for a prominent member of the royal family to assault me, but I can’t help but secretly hold onto that image of my future that I read about in so many books and saw in so many of my nightmares. Unfortunately, I’m nearly 15 and already unattractive to a lot of middle-aged men like that.” Ganford went on to lament that if she wasn’t soon forced into flying to a private island for an orgy with a prince and a notorious, ultrawealthy sex trafficker, she probably never would be.
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