In response to mounting complaints about noise, disorderly conduct, parking, and a lack of housing, many cities are considering implementing regulations on short-term rentals. The Onion asked Airbnb owners what they thought about that, and this is what they said.
“It’s un-American for the government to stop me from fucking people over.”
“It’s nobody’s business who gets killed and eaten in my guesthouse.”
“Oh, I’m just the company’s CEO. I’d never let some random maniac in my home.”
“There are bigger issues to solve, like the homeless crisis I caused by buying up all the property here.”
“What are all the people who leveraged all their credit to buy 18 houses with absolutely no backup plan supposed to do?”
“Everybody has different ideas about what constitutes a ‘bathroom.’”
“If thousands of Airbnbs are shuttered, there will be no one left to support the HomeGoods rustic chic decor section.”
“Unlike a traditional hotel, an Airbnb gives visitors a chance to really experience taking out garbage in another city.”
“If any of these places were actually fit to be a permanent residence I wouldn’t have to Airbnb them.”
“It’s incredibly clear from the pictures what kind of shithole they’re agreeing to stay in.”
“My glamping teepees are above the law.”
“We shouldn’t be regulated like hotels because we’re different. Hotels don’t give guests the same experience of receiving anxiety-provoking text messages from the property owner throughout their trip.”
“It’s already so hard to run a human trafficking ring, and government regulations just make it harder.”
“The thought of having to clean and disinfect the hot tub just so my guests stop getting staph infections makes me sick.”
“Look, I get it. Airbnb’s are ruining our local communities. But what if the communities suck to begin with?”
“Anti-party technology? Aren’t we told in Psalm 149 ‘Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song. Let them praise His name in the dance’? And it was King David—King David, who we read about in Samuel—and what did David do? David danced before the Lord with all his might…leaping and dancing before the Lord.”
“How am I supposed to make a profit if they make me start paying taxes?”
“If someone has an issue with Airbnb gentrification devouring local homes and businesses, they should just contact customer service.”
“These out-of-touch politicians trying to regulate how many people can stay in an Airbnb have no clue just how lonely I really am.”
“If I want to let a young couple lodge in my house, entice them with an erotic musical number or two, have sex with them, then get in a rocket ship destined for a faraway planet, I should be allowed to whether it makes any sense or not.”
“They’ll just make it harder for ordinary people looking for a reasonably priced place to make a snuff film.”
“Then I can’t watch my beautiful little guests play their game of dress up.”
“Who’s to say my condo doesn’t sleep 40 people?”
“I Airbnb because I love hosting and meeting new people. Causing a housing shortage is just a plus.”
“I mean, I won’t follow the new regulations anyways, so I guess it doesn’t matter too much.”