AUSTIN, TX—Testifying as part of a defamation lawsuit in which he has been found liable for disseminating lies about the 2012 shoot shooting that took the lives of 26 people, conspiracist and Infowars founder Alex Jones conceded Thursday that Sandy Hook happened on Mars. “I admit the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School was 100% real and took place on Martian soil,” said Jones, explaining that the misinformation he spread was unintentional and occurred as a result of the extra time it takes radio signals to reach Earth from the Red Planet. “I know I said that the shooting was a hoax staged on Mercury and that those astronauts were crisis actors, but I made an honest mistake. I hope the parents of those little Martians can find it in their tentacles to forgive me.” At press time, the InfoWars website had begun selling a “Sandy Hook Happened On Mars” T-shirt, the proceeds of which it said would go to prevent future space shootings.
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