AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a megaphone at people in the park. “Although having my show and podcasts taken down by elitist liberal tech companies like YouTube and Apple is part of the growing feminization of our country, it’s ultimately going to backfire on them, because now I’m free to get back to the thing that launched my career—screaming crucial information about chemtrails and the gay agenda into the faces of unsuspecting park visitors,” said Jones as he eagerly approached a group of jump-roping children to shriek at them about the rise of tuberculosis in Chobani yogurt. “Sure, getting to film my show in a nice big indoor studio is great, but I feel I’d lost some of the passion that comes from hollering at people up close while they try to enjoy a picnic or play a game of bocce ball. I used to wake up in the bushes almost every day, my piss-soaked pants bunched around my ankles, my mouth already shouting at passersby and trees about white genocide. I’ve long since paid my dues as a leading conservative pundit. But once my show took off, I couldn’t help but think that I’d lost a little of that human connection that only comes from seeing the flecks of your own spit on a stranger’s face as you tell them, your voice distorted from the amplification, about the false flag operations where crisis actors try to take away our guns. And there’s just no feeling quite like the rush of climbing to the top of the jungle gym, the sweet ache of your throat lining tearing as you scream at parents and kids about autistic Muppets, the heat of the sun-warmed playground equipment seeping into your flushed nude body.” At press time, Jones was being escorted from Austin’s Balcones Public Park by police officers after an unsuccessful attempt to sell his Child Ease supplements to a family celebrating their daughter’s birthday.
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