AUSTIN, TX—Growing increasingly more distressed as he pleaded with authorities, Alex Jones was reportedly struggling to convince skeptical police Tuesday night that he witnessed an actual murder in his neighbor’s backyard. “Sure, yeah, Mr. Jones, you saw some guy stabbing his wife through your back window,” said police dispatcher Dave Blevins, who shook his head and chuckled as a desperate Jones recounted the bloody attack he unwittingly observed after waking up in the middle of the night and getting a glass of water from the kitchen sink. “First it was the lizard people, and now this? Come on, pal, this is the fifth time you’ve called us this week. You don’t actually expect us to believe you saw him in the backyard with a shovel burying her body and burning his clothes, right? We have actual crimes to solve, so goodnight.” At press time, Jones was dashing up the stairs in horror after spotting his blood-soaked neighbor pressing his face against the unlocked screen door.
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