BESSEMER, AL—Triumphant in the wake of the failed organization attempt at their Alabama warehouses, Amazon released a statement Friday celebrating the union defeat by raising all prices on customers by 150% anyway. “Although our fulfillment center workers declined to unionize today, we’re still going to jack up the cost of shipping, products, and Prime subscriptions as high as we possibly can—why? Fuck you, that’s why,” said a victorious CEO Jeff Bezos, adding that his jubilant mood had also led him to have his engineers work on making delivery times several days slower and causing products to break far more often on the way to customers. “This is going to be reflected site-wide, immediately, to all Amazon users. Woohoo, I have adrenaline rushing through my veins, and I don’t ever want this party to stop. Sure, we can’t blame it on the union anymore, but it doesn’t matter—we won, you lost, baby.” Bezos concluded that anyone who had an objection to the new prices could go to any of the country’s many independent bookstores or local shops that no longer exist.
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