Illustration for article titled Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks

SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce, Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks. “We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be crammed like sardines in a single, dark warehouse for our amusement,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, explaining that the new employees were not going to be given any tasks or responsibilities except to stand shoulder to shoulder, breathing and coughing on each other for as long as the company felt like keeping them there. “People are getting desperate, so we figured, why the hell not? We’ve got all this cash coming in from cornering almost every market and forcing people unwilling to leave their homes to buy from us, and I can’t imagine a better use for it at this critical time but to stuff as many people as we can possibly fit into a poorly ventilated warehouse and see how long they’ll tolerate the pain and discomfort for 10 bucks an hour. It’s like, what else are they gonna do? We’re in the middle of a pandemic, and as a business responsible to shareholders, Amazon is going to do whatever we need to do to sit back and enjoy watching people suffer from the coronavirus. And if this trial run pans out, we’re considering expanding this crammed-employee program to markets across the country.” At press time, Bezos added that the company was offering anyone who signed up for an Amazon Prime subscription a free live video feed to watch the employees.

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