SAN FRANCISCO—In an announcement that has reportedly set Silicon Valley abuzz, representatives from ambitious social media startup Woo Woo confirmed Monday they had developed a long-term three-month business plan for the future of their firm. “As a company that has, from its very inception nine days ago, been focused on the forefront of interactivity, we at Woo Woo are proud to say we have laid out a rock-solid plan for our company that will guide us for weeks and even months to come,” read a company press release, which refrained from mentioning Woo Woo’s business aims, user features, or general purpose whatsoever, yet included the words “exclusive online community” a total of 63 times. “Though the world of startups is notoriously volatile, we can announce with confidence that our aggressive 90-day strategy will ensure Woo Woo remains a lasting presence in the social media landscape through mid-September and perhaps beyond. With an online platform this disruptive, we are confident that users will flock to us by the millions and will continue to engage with our brand through the entire summer of 2014.” With such an ambitiously long timeline laid out before it, Woo Woo is already in “private beta” and was recently awarded $13 million in seed funding that company officials confirmed will be carefully allocated to inflated executive salaries, break room foosball table maintenance, and a branding division devoted entirely to rhetorically veiling what exactly the company actually does.
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