Elliot Koenig

Over the past several decades, the United States has become increasingly entangled in foreign affairs. Time and time again, when freedom has been threatened in some faraway country, we’ve been the only ones to show up—often at great cost—and the rest of the world has grown accustomed to us taking the lead. But as vital as this role may have been, the truth is that America can no longer serve as the world’s stripper police.

Rebel insurgencies and violent upheavals will continue to shake distant nations, but the days of the U.S. always stepping in, blasting DJ Kool from a giant boom box, and gyrating around the room while we issue citations for being too sexy must come to an end.

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Ask yourselves this: If a brutal regime commits genocide or invades a sovereign nation to plunder resources, why do we consistently take it upon ourselves to respond unilaterally by bursting through the door, placing the birthday girl under “arrest,” and then getting the party started? When faced with a power-hungry dictator, why must our nation be the sole Western power to straddle that world leader in his chair, place our officer’s hat on top of his head, and demand that he call us Lieutenant Jack Hammer? Pretty ludicrous, isn’t it?

Simply put, our current foreign policy is unsustainable. If a fledgling democracy finds itself on the verge of collapse or proves itself incapable of stopping a humanitarian catastrophe, we can no longer be expected to playfully throw the oppressed population’s hands against the wall and tell them to spread ’em like they mean it.

For far too long, the world has relied on the U.S. to play stripper cop, marching into hostile lands yelling “One at a time, ladies!” and slowly unbuttoning our skin-tight shirt before swinging it above our head like a helicopter. Just because we’re the most powerful country in the world—capable of bouncing our rock-hard pecs independently—does that mean that we should always be called upon to guide a crumbling nation’s hands over our sculpted torso?

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At some point, the international community must learn how to wax their chest and rip off a pair of Velcro pants for themselves.

Of course, there will still arise occasional circumstances when it’s in our country’s best interests to suggestively thrust and flex in front of a semicircle of whooping onlookers on the international stage. The 20th century is rife with examples of times when the U.S. needed to act alone to protect our principles, typically by cueing up ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man” and threatening to discharge our weapon if no one takes the shot of tequila clenched between our thighs.

But today, things are different. We’re not the same sexy superpower that can just go around the world pretending to handcuff people until two equally muscular reinforcements show up in their own skimpy shorts and aviator glasses. If anything, the European Union should take on a greater role in windmilling a billy club in front of their genitals and then riding it back and forth between their legs like a horse. They have more available resources to send a couple buff guys glistening with oil to deal with any escalating situation.

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And if they’re not willing to step up, then that’s something the U.N. should take control of.

To be clear, I still believe that tyrants who use deadly force against their own citizens must be brought to justice, perhaps by taking an aggressive grinding position near their faces as they attempt to shield themselves with their hands and blush uncontrollably. However, any time a conflict flares up, the international community shouldn’t sit back and expect the same hard-bodied officer to always show up and give these dictators a steamy full-body frisking before declaring that they’ll have to take them all the way downtown.

As it is, we have enough trouble keeping our own naughty individuals in line here at home. Instead of repeatedly answering the call to a phony noise complaint overseas, our government should be making sure that every dollar that’s tucked into our neon G-string stays right here in the U.S., invested in priorities like infrastructure, education, and whipped cream.

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We cannot make the same mistakes we’ve made in the past by attempting to clean up another country’s mess only to become mired in yet another interminable conflict. After all, we owe it to the brave American hunks and beefcakes who put on their tearaway uniforms every day to ensure that we only use them when absolutely necessary.

Unless, of course, the gig pays well.