LOS ANGELES—Exhorting the staff to heed his words no matter what department they hailed from, award-winning screenwriter and playwright Aaron Sorkin reportedly delivered a lengthy monologue Monday saying that America needs to dream bigger after he was informed by a Burberry employee that the coat he wanted was out of stock. “We have lost our way as a country,” said an impassioned Sorkin, pacing through stacks of luggage and accessories at the Rodeo Drive Burberry store as he wondered aloud where the nation’s dreamers and doers had gone to, growing ever more world-weary as a 22-year-old clerk offered to see if the double-faced wool tailed cloak was available at another Los Angeles location. “We used to be builders, makers! And now look at us. Pathetic. This country has fallen so far. Would the great Americans who helped us reach the moon allow the inventory to plummet so low that a highly desired garment would not be available for purchase by a red-blooded customer? We must grow or die, we must work together to bring this grand American experiment back to its former glory. The question is, are we brave enough? I wonder.”At press time, sources confirmed that after being offered a nearly identical coat to the one he had requested, Sorkin had launched into another 38-minute monologue about how true Americans accepted no substitutes.
More from The Onion