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‘America’s Test Kitchen’ Begs Middle-Aged Women To Stop Sending Them Panties

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BOSTON—Emphasizing that it was not just vulgar, but also a serious food safety hazard, representatives from America’s Test Kitchen Thursday begged middle-aged women to stop sending them panties. “While we appreciate everyone’s clear enthusiasm for the show, we cannot have our audience members routinely taking off their underwear, packaging them up, and mailing them to our studio headquarters,” said spokesperson Glenn Linden, adding that they loved their fans, but they simply could no longer handle the volume of packages containing sexually explicit notes; unwashed, dirty undergarments; or even nude photos. “Just because we helped you make the best pot pie crust, the perfect biscuit, or an amazing pan pizza doesn’t mean we want or can continue to accept these inappropriate sexual gifts. We understand our exceedingly simple, delicious, yet effective recipes get you all hot and bothered, but please. Cease and desist.” At press time, Linden told reporters that the lewd gifts had immediately stopped after they clarified that Christopher Kimball and his signature bow tie had left to start his own television show, Milk Street.