WASHINGTON—Unable to remember a time when they last had a national leader who treated them well, the American populace reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that they weren’t likable enough to attract a good candidate for president. “We are constantly getting involved with these awful presidential candidates who we know are only going to hurt us. At some point we’ve got to start asking ourselves: Is it us?” said Chicago resident Natalie Freeman, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans worried that they weren’t appealing enough to land any potential commander in chief who didn’t constantly lie, steal, and cheat on them by having secret relations with numerous other countries. “We see some of our allies finding great presidential candidates who do what’s best for them and always keep their promises, and I just think, ‘We want that,’ but no matter how hard we try, we always end up with total losers. Maybe we need to work on the deep-seated issues we still have from our founding fathers who informed our idea of relationships with heads of state in the first place.” At press time, the American populace realized they deserved better and should take a break from having a president for a while.
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