WASHINGTON—In the wake of revelations that military leaders had intentionally buried evidence of civilian casualties caused on their watch, Americans assured the Pentagon Tuesday that they did not care enough to make covering up such strikes worthwhile. “You guys seem to be putting a lot of effort into concealing the number of civilians you’ve killed, and we just want to clarify that you’re wasting your time because we seriously do not give a fuck about these people,” said Eric Schmitt, one of millions of U.S. citizens who insisted that wherever the Pentagon happened to bomb and however many innocent individuals were killed, it was really in one ear and out the other for them. “Honestly, just let this stuff get out. Anyone who even pretends to care will just scan over the headline announcing it and then go back to our regular lives. Really, covering it up just makes it seem worse. Otherwise, we’d just naturally assume that 70 women and children dying in one of our government’s drone strikes is just what’s supposed to happen.” The nation’s citizens added that with all the time the Department of Defense would save by not trying to conceal casualties, they could probably kill far more innocent civilians and Americans still wouldn’t care.
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