WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that they were sick and tired of having their views ignored, Americans nationwide demanded Tuesday that their voices be heard and also some kind of dessert you get after breakfast. “For too long, we have stood in the shadows, silenced by the powerful—but no longer. We insist on representation as well as a delicious treat to satiate our sweet tooth after our morning meal,” said Gary Nelson, speaking on behalf of millions of Americans who had taken to the streets brandishing homemade signs with slogans reading “Government By The People, For The People, Plus A Post-Breakfast Sugar Fix,” and “We’re Taking Back America And Having Ice Cream Or Maybe Chocolate Mousse At 9:30 A.M.” “Special interest groups have held our country in a stranglehold for decades. We’re past believing the empty promises of politicians, and we will not be satisfied until real, concrete action is taken. Also, we will not be satisfied that a muffin or pancake counts as a pastry—we want some sort of real dessert early in the day, and we want it now.” Nelson added that if it came down to it, they’d settle for just the breakfast dessert.

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