With gas prices averaging nearly $5 per gallon, many drivers are struggling to stay afloat. The Onion asked everyday Americans how gas prices have affected them, and this is what they said.
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“I’ve downgraded from premium gas to tap water.”
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“I just couldn’t afford to keep the high-speed chase going for more than two miles.”
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“As someone who bikes to work, the increased sense of superiority has caused me a pleasure so intense you could almost call it pain.”
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“Lucky for me, my electric-powered Tesla crashed and killed me two years ago.”
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“Things are pretty much the same except every third customer threatens to blow my brains out.”
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“I can’t drive because of my DUIs, but it’s still made me hate Biden more.”
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“I love it. It makes for a lot of segments where I can just sort of mentally check out and nod as some expert rambles on and on.”
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“I’m trying to be more conscious about driving at slower, more conservative speeds to make a tank of gas last longer.”
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“I used to drive everywhere, but now I’ve got a bike that I never use and just stay home.”
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“Just the thought of not being able to mow my lawn every single day this summer makes me want to puke.”
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“This is all Joe Biden’s fault. I made the world’s biggest taco, but he refused to buy it. Now I can’t even afford to fill up my tank.”
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“You wouldn’t believe how much it costs to gas up the solid-gold yacht I just bought.”
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“Those skyrocketing prices have made me realize that all monetary value is an illusion that enslaves our minds and souls, and also that my Hummer gets lousy mileage.”
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“I stopped taking the car to pick up my kid from band practice. I’m pretty sure he’s still there.”
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“My huffing budget has gone way, way up.”
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“The kind of vans I drive for work aren’t exactly fuel efficient, so it’s been hell on my business.”
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“I’ve asked my bosses at IKEA if they wouldn’t mind moving the store a bit closer to my house.”
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“If America wants to almost quadruple the volume of gas we get at the pump for the same price, we must convert to the metric system! What sounds better, 1 gallon or almost 4 liters of gas for $5.00? I’m picking 4 over 1 every time.”
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“I’ve had to start brewing my own cup of gas at home in the morning.”
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“If you weren’t already paying $6 for a gallon of gas, you weren’t getting the good stuff.”
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“I pretty much just spend more money on gasoline now.”
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