Despite an alarming uptick in mass shootings in the United States, many Americans still support the right to own assault weapons. The Onion asked everyday citizens why they feel this way, and this is what they said.
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“Europe may have a high quality of living and comprehensive social security, but our freedom to hunt and defend ourselves from social progress is what makes America unique and better than them.”
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“To die a noble death, I require a worthy adversary.”
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“If the founding fathers had semi-automatic rifles, perhaps they would still be alive.”
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“If you ban assault rifles, they’ll become taboo, and then we’ll want them even more and in a sexual way.”
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“Think about the message that would send to all the law-abiding mass shooters.”
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“Devastating, preventable loss is kind of our country’s claim to fame at this point.”
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“Is there some other way to get the ice off my windshield?”
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“How are we going to teach kids to survive gun attacks if there are no guns to threaten them with?”
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“Let’s say I needed to shoot up a school, but for a good reason. Assault weapons have already been proven to be the best way to do that.”
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“Can you imagine what it’d be like if the shooter only had a hunting rifle? I would be waiting outside all day for him to finish shooting all the children.”
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“Legislation just seems like an overly political way to ban something.”
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“I don’t know what else to get my wife for Christmas.”
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“Imagine an animal much bigger than a dog, with spikes growing out of its head. That’s what a deer is, and that’s what we’re up against.”
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“It would be pretty embarrassing for our kids to die from mere handgun fire.”
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“So I can defend myself against the woke mob and their vicious cardboard signs.”
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“There’s a squirrel in my backyard that taunts me, and I’m meanin’ to get him.”
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“Assault weapons create lots of good jobs, like trauma ICU surgeon, personal injury attorney, and substitute teacher.”
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“I’ve found that no weapon accidentally kills your loved one in the dark when you mistake them for an intruder better than an AR-15.”
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“I make a lot of money doing this, you know.”
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“I’ve put too much thought into my manifesto to turn back now.”
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“Nothing good has ever come of making something that is currently legal illegal.”
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“I heard the cops take you to Burger King if you use them to shoot up a church.”
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“What if deer try to take over the government? What do we do then?”
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“When you hold an assault weapon you feel so big, so strong, like you’re from Connecticut or Maryland.”
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“It’s a slippery slope to making murder illegal.”
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“I’m saving up to put in a new deck on my house.”
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