Americans Explain Why Assault Weapons Must Stay Legal

Despite an alarming uptick in mass shootings in the United States, many Americans still support the right to own assault weapons. The Onion asked everyday citizens why they feel this way, and this is what they said.

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Aubrey Scott (Antiquities Dealer)

“Europe may have a high quality of living and comprehensive social security, but our freedom to hunt and defend ourselves from social progress is what makes America unique and better than them.”

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Bruce Stover (Roofing Contractor)

“To die a noble death, I require a worthy adversary.”

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Celise Mays (Psychologist)

“If the founding fathers had semi-automatic rifles, perhaps they would still be alive.”

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Howard McGrath (Horticulturist)

“If you ban assault rifles, they’ll become taboo, and then we’ll want them even more and in a sexual way.”

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Jason Randolph (Walmart Greeter)

“Think about the message that would send to all the law-abiding mass shooters.”

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Kelsey Martinez (Voice Coach)

“Devastating, preventable loss is kind of our country’s claim to fame at this point.”

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Marcie Rhodes (Pharmacist)

“Is there some other way to get the ice off my windshield?”

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Susan Hamton (Software Engineer)

“How are we going to teach kids to survive gun attacks if there are no guns to threaten them with?”

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Brad Norwood (Lawnscaper)

“Let’s say I needed to shoot up a school, but for a good reason. Assault weapons have already been proven to be the best way to do that.”

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Cody Warner (Police Officer)

“Can you imagine what it’d be like if the shooter only had a hunting rifle? I would be waiting outside all day for him to finish shooting all the children.”

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