Americans Explain Why Assault Weapons Must Stay Legal

Americans Explain Why Assault Weapons Must Stay Legal

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Despite an alarming uptick in mass shootings in the United States, many Americans still support the right to own assault weapons. The Onion asked everyday citizens why they feel this way, and this is what they said.

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Aubrey Scott (Antiquities Dealer)

Aubrey Scott (Antiquities Dealer)

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“Europe may have a high quality of living and comprehensive social security, but our freedom to hunt and defend ourselves from social progress is what makes America unique and better than them.”

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Bruce Stover (Roofing Contractor)

Bruce Stover (Roofing Contractor)

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“To die a noble death, I require a worthy adversary.”

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Celise Mays (Psychologist)

Celise Mays (Psychologist)

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“If the founding fathers had semi-automatic rifles, perhaps they would still be alive.”

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Howard McGrath (Horticulturist)

Howard McGrath (Horticulturist)

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“If you ban assault rifles, they’ll become taboo, and then we’ll want them even more and in a sexual way.”

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Jason Randolph (Walmart Greeter)

Jason Randolph (Walmart Greeter)

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“Think about the message that would send to all the law-abiding mass shooters.”

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Kelsey Martinez (Voice Coach)

Kelsey Martinez (Voice Coach)

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“Devastating, preventable loss is kind of our country’s claim to fame at this point.”

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Marcie Rhodes (Pharmacist)

Marcie Rhodes (Pharmacist)

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“Is there some other way to get the ice off my windshield?”

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Susan Hamton (Software Engineer)

Susan Hamton (Software Engineer)

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“How are we going to teach kids to survive gun attacks if there are no guns to threaten them with?”

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Brad Norwood (Lawnscaper)

Brad Norwood (Lawnscaper)

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“Let’s say I needed to shoot up a school, but for a good reason. Assault weapons have already been proven to be the best way to do that.”

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Cody Warner (Police Officer)

Cody Warner (Police Officer)

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“Can you imagine what it’d be like if the shooter only had a hunting rifle? I would be waiting outside all day for him to finish shooting all the children.”

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Desiree Rhynes (Tennis Coach)

Desiree Rhynes (Tennis Coach)

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“Legislation just seems like an overly political way to ban something.”

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Mike Prondzinski (Pastor)

Mike Prondzinski (Pastor)

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“I don’t know what else to get my wife for Christmas.”

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Greg Pimble (Foreman)

Greg Pimble (Foreman)

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“Imagine an animal much bigger than a dog, with spikes growing out of its head. That’s what a deer is, and that’s what we’re up against.”

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Dan Geer (Actuary)

Dan Geer (Actuary)

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“It would be pretty embarrassing for our kids to die from mere handgun fire.”

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Beverly Andrews (Personal Trainer)

Beverly Andrews (Personal Trainer)

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“So I can defend myself against the woke mob and their vicious cardboard signs.”

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Albert Snell, Jr. (Bar Owner)

Albert Snell, Jr. (Bar Owner)

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“There’s a squirrel in my backyard that taunts me, and I’m meanin’ to get him.”

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Courtney Valducci (Blackjack Dealer)

Courtney Valducci (Blackjack Dealer)

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“Assault weapons create lots of good jobs, like trauma ICU surgeon, personal injury attorney, and substitute teacher.”

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Ted McMillian (Real Estate Agent)

Ted McMillian (Real Estate Agent)

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“I’ve found that no weapon accidentally kills your loved one in the dark when you mistake them for an intruder better than an AR-15.”

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Chase Wilson (NRA Lobbyist)

Chase Wilson (NRA Lobbyist)

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“I make a lot of money doing this, you know.”

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Henry Cavazos (Project Manager)

Henry Cavazos (Project Manager)

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“I’ve put too much thought into my manifesto to turn back now.”

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Jacob Matthews (Welder)

Jacob Matthews (Welder)

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“Nothing good has ever come of making something that is currently legal illegal.”

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Larry Roenick (Construction Worker)

Larry Roenick (Construction Worker)

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“I heard the cops take you to Burger King if you use them to shoot up a church.”

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Rick Perillo III (Truck Driver)

Rick Perillo III (Truck Driver)

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“What if deer try to take over the government? What do we do then?”

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Jim Justice (Governor Of West Virginia)

Jim Justice (Governor Of West Virginia)

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“When you hold an assault weapon you feel so big, so strong, like you’re from Connecticut or Maryland.”

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Jared Wagner (Professor)

Jared Wagner (Professor)

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“It’s a slippery slope to making murder illegal.”

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Harold Holmes (Funeral Director)

Harold Holmes (Funeral Director)

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“I’m saving up to put in a new deck on my house.”

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