Americans Explain Why The Minimum Wage Should Not Be Raised

“Debilitating poverty builds character.”

“I like it when the money belongs to me.”

“People put too much emphasis on the amount of their paycheck while completely ignoring the other perks of a job, like holding the power to claim 200 souls at once with a quick jerk of the wheel. You can’t put a price on that.”

“I’ve completely internalized the culture’s belief that I’m worthless and contribute nothing of worth to the country, so I would just feel greedy asking for more.”

“I’ve held a grudge against the lower classes ever since that time at Arby’s when I got a small fry instead of the medium fry I ordered.”

“Then I’d have to come up with a new reason to justify stealing pounds and pounds of pillow mints.”

“I worked for minimum wage back in 1970, and I was able to pay for college, an apartment, a Lamborghini, a dozen maids, and a private chef, as well as an armed security team to guard my vast fortune. What’s to stop people today from doing the same?”

“I’ll be honest, raising the minimum wage goes against my whole goal of bringing back slavery in full force.”

“Sorry, the middle class is full.”

“What kind of heartless monster would deprive a millionaire shareholder of their $200,000 bonus?”

“I gave birth to all of my employees, so I make the rules. End of story.”

“I like not being able to pay my rent.”

“Do I really need to justify my hatred of the poor?”

“It would be unfair to people like me who have worked for minimum wage for years to ever get a break from that, to ever know comfort or freedom from anxiety.”

“Frankly, the power structures in place have benefited me greatly, and it doesn’t really bother me to see people who are working two to three jobs just to make ends meet starve.”

“As someone living in 1848, $7.25 an hour already sounds too good to be true.”

“I’d have to raise prices, which usually results in a pie being smashed in my face.”

“People who make minimum wage would be able to save a lot more if they didn’t spend it all on frivolous things like food and rent.”

“Because! Forward!”

“It’s a lot harder to break the spirits of workers who can afford to feed themselves.”

“I’ll level with you. I wasn’t 100% sure what a minimum wage was when you asked, and I didn’t want to sound stupid, so I just said keep it the same.”

“If we pay people more, the price of sleemps is going to go through the roof. They’re saying sleemps will be a million dollars! And I don’t even know what sleemps are! Good god! I’m having a meltdown just thinking about all the costs!”

“I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to give them money, and I shouldn’t have to give them money. I don’t have to come up with a reason. I just don’t.”

“The grab bag of humiliations and cruelties we call the economy simply wouldn’t allow it.”

“If I ever fall out of the middle class, I figure having to make $7.25 an hour would be a fitting punishment for my insane views.”

“I can’t remember why, but I think it had something to do with a burger.”

“If you raise it, where does it end? At the highest number? All of a sudden we’re just going to let every burger-flipper and cashier make the highest number there is, out of all the numbers?”

“And turn into one of those countries that’s consistently ranked as one of the happiest in the world? No thanks.”