Recent polls show that trust in the Supreme Court has continued to erode since Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization overturned a woman’s constitutional right to an abortion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they have lost faith in the highest court in the land, and this is what they said.
“None of the current justices lend themselves well to fun bobbleheads.”
“All I know is I don’t feel the same feelings I once did when admiring their poster on my wall.”
“There are a lot of reasons, but I’d have to say it’s mostly about the rulings.”
“They all wear robes to work. Looks unprofessional.”
“They gotta be hiding something under those big robes. But what?”
I never know what they’re doing under the robes.
“There hasn’t been enough sexual tension on the bench since Scalia and Ginsburg died.”
“Not enough Bork.”
“Justice Kavanaugh promised he would come to my barbecue last weekend, then never showed.”
“I lost all respect for that institution the moment the Senate confirmed me.”
“I caught them sneaking candy under their robes into the movie theater one too many times.”
“Alito sounds Italian.”
“I have a feeling they may be affiliated with the government.”
“One of them walked off with the Tupperware I brought to last year’s Christmas party, and it had my name on it.”
“Things haven’t been the same ever since I caught them looking through my stuff.”
“I miss when there was just a moderate amount of religious extremism sprinkled into their decisions.”
“Kavanaugh still owes me, like, $45.”
“None of them have much of a social media presence, which is a huge red flag.”
“Because Mitch McConnell and his cronies have struck a blow to our rights and it’s looking dire—unless we can count on your support?”